The Zelda Weirdness
by mountaindude
Summary: Ever notice all of the strange things that go on in Zelda? Well, this wont answer any of your questions! This Hopefully is one of the funniest Zelda stories out there! Oneshot!


**The Zelda Weirdness!!  
(It will engulf you)**

**Hiya. This is Mountaindude. This is a story about things that make nearly zero sense in Zelda games. All of em. Plastered together as Link (Duh.) goes to save Zelda for the umpteenth time. (He probably never will, it'll save time in my opinion, for she'll just get caught again.) This is probably gonna be a oneshot, but it may evolve into a multi…shot….bleh, that was lame. Anything I could think of will be in here, and please don't flame me saying "If you don't like the game, don't talk about it!" I LOVE THE GAME! (Just saying ahead of time)**

**Let's begin shall we? (I'll start off at the time when young Link needs to sneak into the castle to see Zelda, but he is blocked when Malon's dad decides to sleep in front of the entrance)**

**However, let me say this first…: HA HA HA! I got Spore! The real game! Not the creature creator!**

As midget Link ran up to the side of the castle, he noticed a conveniently placed hole in the wall next to a sleeping old man who had decided to take his nap in the ONE SPOT he needed to get to.

"Hey!" The small flying blue thing popped out from the back of Link's pants. Then Link magically made 4 small yellow triangles appear on the old dude, (Lock-on) which prompted the blue thing to scream in his ear.

"Listen! Link! We need to move this old guy so we can sneak into the castle through the sewer that no one seems to guard!"

"Yeah, yeah…" Link said as he reached into the large bag that was hanging off his waist.

"Link, put the bombs away and use the small rooster we stole-er…borrowed from the ranch." Navi said as she tried to prevent Link from lighting the pile of bombs he had placed beside the milk-man.

"Fine…" He said half-heartedly as he put away the explosives. (Does anyone even bother to care about the fact that a small child wanders around unsupervised with bombs, swords, and arrows?)

Link reached over to the bottle hanging off his waist and popped the cork off of it, expecting the rooster to crow. However, nothing happened. Link looked into the bottle, and saw that the rooster…well...died. It suffocated because there was no air in the bottle that Link had put it in.

"Come on Link!" Navi said as she flew over to him. "Let the rooster out so we can-……?!" Navi started freaking out and 

flying around Link's face. "YOU IDIOT! I TOLD YOU TO PUT AN AIR HOLE IN THE CORK!"

"What happened, happened. What do we do now?" Link said as he dug a small hole to bury the rooster in.

Navi hovered there for a minute. "…You still have those bombs?"

Link and Navi smiled at each other and started to walk over to the sleeping guy.

**BOOOOOOM!**

"Hey, free milk!" Link said as he rummaged through the bag that the man had left behind.

Just as they were about to enter the hole, a group of guards ran over. (Something about seeing a large, flying man…)

TWEEEEEEEEEEET! They blew the whistles and grabbed Link. After throwing him out of the castle grounds, Link landed on one of those eye-ball stones.

_BOING! The time is now 5:17. Also, did you know that we can tell you information if you hit us? _(I know he needs the mask to do so, but live with it.)

"Ow ow ow ow…" Link said as he rubbed his side. "What do we do now?"  
Just then, a writer's convenience came along.

"Hoot! Hooooooot!" A very large owl perched itself on top of the eye-stone.

_BOING! The time is now 5:18! Did you know that we can tell you information if you touch us?_

**Later…**

"Why didn't anyone do this before?" Link said. As that really annoying owl had finished its seventh consecutive speech, Link grabbed onto its legs and forced it to carry him over all the guards and into the garden Zelda was in.

"Ah!" Zelda screamed as he landed next to her. "LINK!" She yelled at him, a big red anger mark on her head popping up. "I TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIME NOT TO DO THAT!!"

"Well I wouldn't have to if you'd just tell your guards to let me through!" He yelled back at her.

"Do you know how many people could disguise themselves as you?!" She yelled as she held up a photo of various cosplayers.

"Anyway Zelda." Navi flew in-between them in an attempt to stop their fighting. Big mistake. "What did you call us here fo-"

**WHAK!**

Navi was sent flying by Zelda. (Zelda and Navi never really saw eye-to-eye. Mainly because Navi's eyes can't be seen. Also, the fact that Navi had told Link some of Zelda's secrets…how does Navi know some of these things?!)

After Navi came back from Jupiter, Zelda explained the situation.

"In exactly seven years, Ganondorf will break free of his confinement in the Temple of Time." She said as she used her free hand to prevent Navi from hitting her in the face. "I need you to go into the future using the Master Sword and defeat him once and for all."

"Couldn't I just go 6 and a half years into the future and prevent him from escaping in the first place?" Link said as he downed one of the milk bottles he stole.

"You could, but that would end this story immediately, so you have to do the long, painful version." Zelda said as she smiled at him.

Link sighed. "All right, but what about you?" He asked. "How do you plan to get kidnapped this time?" (Seriously, they just HAVE to plan it!)

"Well, I was thinking either fake Triforce, or spread a rumor about the royal bloodline…what do you think?"

"We did the Triforce last time, go with the rumor."

"OK, how about this: "All females of the Royal Bloodline have deep within them the power of obedience. Anyone who the female would choose becomes completely loyal to her, doing whatsoever she wishes…""  
"Isn't that true for all girls anyway?" Link said to himself.

"But the power could be drained by…by…hmmm…I dunno what to say next…" She said as she looked over at Link.

"Cheese."

"The power could be drained by cheese!" She yelled as she raised her hand in the air. Link and Navi restrained laughing. They stopped laughing when Zelda aimed a light arrow at them.

**TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!! **A whistle blew. A couple of guards came running when they heard the princess yell out "CHEESE!"

"Get away from the princess kid!" Nameless guard 1 said.

The generic guards then proceeded to drag Link out of the garden. Navi flying next to him.

"Hey Link!" Navi started to say. "Did you know that Zelda is one of you fangir-"  
**STOMP**

Before Navi could finish that sentence, Zelda ran up and stomped on her.

"One of my what?" Link asked obliviously.

"Oh, nothing…" Zelda smiled sweetly.

"Hey, where'd Navi go?" Link said as he looked around. (Yes, he is still being dragged. Zelda's getting farther and farther away…)

"I'm…not sure." Zelda said as she grinded her foot into the ground.

"She's probably already outside then." Link said.

"Yeah, that's probably right." Zelda smiled as the guards closed the door to the garden.

Zelda then took out a slingshot and placed Navi in the strap.

"I wouldn't tell him the rest of that sentence if I were you." Zelda said as she smiled at Navi.

"R-right…"

SCHWAP!

Navi flew that day. Higher than any fairy before her. And though no one knew but Zelda, the legend lives on in…The Legend of Navi: HEY, LISTEN! Now available on your Tri-Angle!

After Link was thrown out, he and Navi went on a perilous quest.

Well, first they landed on that same statue. _BOING! The time is now 5:33. Hey, here's a tidbit: We can tell you information if you-_

BOOM!

Link set off a bomb next to it, which caused it to countdown and blast off into space. NOW they started to quest.

"What are we questing for again?" Link asked Navi.

"Evidently, there are 3 "Magic Body Parts" that fell off the "Ultimate Gamer" and if we put them all back on his statue, we get his Magic Book of Cheats." Navi said as she read from a game review. "Once we use the magic cheats, we can forever defeat Ganondorf…" (Navi also said "And we can replace Zelda with ME as queen! ME! HA HA HA!" …but I'll leave that to your imagination)

"Why do we always have to go after multiple items?" Link sighed. "How come there's never just one thing we have to look for?"

"It's just the way our game works." Navi said as she read the game rating. (8/10)

"All right, let's see where we need to go first…" Link started to read a map that he had magically obtained. "Ah! Here we are. Looks like we need to go to Death Mountaindude for the first body part!"

"OK then…" Navi said. "Squadala! We are off!"

"What?"

"Nothing."

**After Death Mountaindude**

"Well, that was fun." Link said as he came out of the fire dungeon covered in soot. He had fallen in the lava about seven times while trying to jump on the patches of cooled magma he made by throwing pots of water on it.

"Yeah." Navi sighed. "Good thing the iron boots where in there, otherwise we couldn't have beaten the boss!"

"Why do bosses always put the item that can defeat them in their own dungeon…one room away from themselves?" Link scratched his head.

"Maybe they feel safer knowing where their death item is?"

"But if that was the case, couldn't they just keep the item in their room? I mean, we couldn't even make it to the door without their item half the time…"

"True…I guess we'll never know." Navi said. "Where to now?"

Link took out his map. "Looks like…ugh…the Zora's Domain and the Water Temple…"

"Aw man!" Navi said. "I always hate the water temples! They're nothing but a long string of backtracking puzzles!" (Seriously)

"I know what you mean…" Link said. "But first I need to re-stock on potions. And I also need to get the blue tunic so I can breathe underwater."

"I'll never understand how a shirt can let you breathe underwater…" Navi said while tugging at Link's tunic.

"I dunno." He said. "Maybe it gives you gills."

"Then wouldn't we die if we left the water?"

"Look, I don't know how this works, so let's just move on." Link said as he took out his ocarina.

Link played Epona's song, and about 5 seconds later, a small brown horse came running up.

"Hey there Epona!" Link said as he fed the horse a carrot.

"If we went back in time…" Navi started to say. "Then how does Epona even know you?"

Link and Epona stared at Navi. Then at each other.

"NYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!" Epona squealed as she kicked Link in the chest and ran away.

Link slowly stood up. "Y-you just had to say it didn't you?"

"Sorry." Navi blushed.

After about 6 hours of nonstop running, Link finally made it to the Zora's domain. After climbing up a steep hill, he reached the shop.

"WELCOME!" The shopkeeper yelled at Link, causing him to fall over and roll down the hill. After coming back up, he went over to the counter.

"What can I do for you today?" The shopkeeper asked.

"I need to buy some potions and a blue tunic." Link said.

"All right…" The shopkeeper said as he took down the blue tunic. "I'll need you to give me Chu Jelly for the potions."  
"All right." Link took out his spoils bag. He then reached his hand inside to pull out the jelly.

_**SQUISH**_

For whatever reason, Link thought that putting jelly in a bag was a good idea.

Link flipped the bag upside-down onto the counter, spilling the jelly everywhere.

"Uh…" The SK sweatdropped. Link just smiled. "OK...let me make your potion…" The SK took all the jelly into a bowl and mixed them up. Then, he put them into a bottle and placed the bottle on the counter.

"Your total comes to 150 rupees." He smiled at Link.

"But…all you did was mix them together!" Link stammered.

"And?"

"…nevermind." Link said as he reached for the bottle.

"Woah! What are you doing?" The SK asked.

"Getting my potion?"

"You don't have an empty bottle to put it in though!"

"Wha-? But it's already in one!" Link pointed to the bottle.

"Yes, but you need your OWN bottle."

"Couldn't I just have that one?"

"No."

"Why not?!"

"Well, truth be told…" The shopkeeper started to explain. "All of us shopkeepers around the world only have about 6 or 7 bottles combined, so we keep mailing them to each other."

"So…that bottle…" Link stuttered. "Could have held that fish I had to feed to that bigger fish!"

"It's possible."  
"Yuck…" Link stuck his tongue out. "Oh well…thanks…I guess…." Link sighed as he left the store.

Link put on his new tunic and jumped into the lake. After nearly drowning, he came back out and flipped his shirt around so the tag was in the BACK. THEN he jumped into the lake.

**LATER…**

"Whew! Finished!" Navi sighed as she flew out of the lake. "I thought we'd never finish that boss off!"

"Really!" Link said as he used a towel to dry off. "Another thing I don't get is the fact that bosses have glowing weak points…"

"Who knows why…" Navi said. "Now where?"

Link looked at the map. "Ah! This one is seven years in the future! In…the Great Deku Tree!"

"How does a map tell you something's in the future?!"

**At the Temple of Time…**

"Hey Navi?" Link asked.

"Yeah?"

"Do you hear that?"  
"Hear what?"

"It sounds like a bunch of old guys humming to the Song of Time…" (Go into the Temple of Time in OoT or MM to see what I mean)

"Now that you mention it… where are they?" Navi looked around.

"Who cares? Let's just get the Master Sword already." Link said as he walked into the open stone doors.

"If this door had been open all this time, why has no one else tried to get the Master Sword?" Link said as he stepped up to the pedestal.

"Only you can pull it out, remember?" Navi said.

"No, I don't recall that ever being a rule." He said as he pulled the sword out.

_SHWING! shaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!_

A light surrounded Link, and the screen faded out.

When Link woke up, he did the first thing he always does…he runs straight for the bathroom. (He hasn't gone in seven years!) (I don't know why he doesn't die of hunger…)

Anyway, Link then proceeded to run to Kokiri Forest. However, first he stopped off at the windmill and played the Song of Storms to freak out the music guy. (It's fun…)

When he entered, he saw one of the Kokiri being attacked by a Deku Baba. (Man-eating plant)

"We have to help him!" Link said.

"We'll never make it over there in time!" Navi yelled. "Use your arrows!"

"Why can't I use the slingshot?" Link asked.

"You can't use that as an adult."

"Why?"

"It is forbidden."

"WHY?"

"Just use your arrows."

"But I don't want to waste arrows."

"Look, a majority of cool weapons you could use as a kid aren't available to you as an adult, such as your slingshot and boomerang." Navi said solemnly.

"But, they're right here…" Link said as he took out the items in question.

"JUST USE THE LINK'N ARROWS!"  
"Fine…" Link said as he shot an arrow into the plant's head.

"You saved me!" The kid ran up to him. "Hey…don't I know you?" He said leaning in towards Link. "Yeah…you're dressed just like…him…" The boy sad sadly.

"Whatever. I'm in a hurry, so I'll have to talk to you later Mido." Link said as he waved to the kid and walked off.

"Yeah, see you later…wait a minute…" Mido turned around to look, but Link was already gone. "Could that have been…Link?"

(No duh genius.)

Link slowly walked up to the Deku Tree.

"Oh…Link…thou hast returned…" The giant tree said.

"Yeah. Open your mouth so I can get the body part that you're hiding." Link said as he put on his Gauntlets and yanked the Deku Tree's mouth open.

As Link climbed inside, he sensed a killing intent around him. "Uh…Deku Tree?" He said as he climbed out.

"Yeth Think?" (Yes Link? His mouth is still open.)

"You're…not going to try and eat me…are you?"

"…" The Deku Tree then closed its eyes and fell asleep in order to escape the question.

Eventually, after going through some overly complicated traps, Link was able to make his way into a large room…

"Well," Link said. "This must be the boss room."

Navi sweatdropped. "How can you tell?" She said sarcastically. The room had a large steel door. The room had torches lining the walls. The room was HUGE. What else does a generic boss room need?

Just then, a cut scene played, taking over Link's body and causing him to walk smack-dab in the middle of the room. (Why? Why does he walk into obvious traps?)

Suddenly, a large (What insect hasn't been used yet? Spider? Worm? Tick? Scorpion? Mosquito! I'll use a mosquito!) A large mosquito dropped down from the ceiling (Also a generic boss thing) and roared at Link. (Can mosquitoes roar?)

"Ready Link?" Navi asked.

"Yep." Link said. "After all, all we have to do is wait for a glowing weak-point to show up."

As if on cue, the mosquito's thorax (look it up) started to glow red.

"This'll be fun." Link said as he drew his sword.

**Later…**

"I was right, that was fun!" Link said as he put his sword away.

"Why did it keep doing the same move over and over again?" Navi asked.

"Dunno, but it's good for us!" Link smiled.

RUMBLE

"Uh-oh!" He said. "Back up! It's time for the remainder of the boss to explode!"

boom.

"That was kinda' disappointing…" Navi sighed. "Why do they always blow up anyway?"

"Maybe they have a steady diet of black powder and C4." Link suggested.

After picking up the heart container off the floor, he went over to the glowing spot that had appeared on the floor.

**SHWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!**

**LATER…Again…**

Link excited the Deku Tree and started to walk out of Kokiri forest. He was stopped, however, when a large group of children ran up and tackled him from behind.

"LINK!" One of the random children shouted. "Is it really you?!" Another yelled into his ear.

"Yeah, it's me! Just get off!" He shouted as he threw his arms up, scattering the children in all directions.

"Where'd you go? You where gone for seven years!" One of the twins asked.

"I was doing battle with an evil overlord to save the world." Link stated.

All the kids just stared at him.

"…What?"

"It's just that…" the OTHER twin started to say.

Mido jumped in. "There's no way that you could have saved the world once!" He said as he jabbed his index finger at Link.

"I've saved it more than once…" Link stated with an anger mark on his head.

"Yeah right!" Mido yelled at him. "You're such a liar! You might as well-"

**SLASH**

Link had drawn his blade and sent an energy beam flying just to the left of Mido's face. The beam then proceeded to cut a trench into the ground and slice a tree in half.

"Eh…eh-eh-eh…" Mido stuttered.

"I kept telling you guys that Link was strong!" A voice said. As Link turned to the source of the voice, he saw…

"Saria!" Navi squealed.

Sure enough, everyone's favorite green-haired girl was standing in Link's old house's doorway.

"Nice to see you again Link!" Saria smiled at him as she put something into her pocket and climbed down the ladder.

"What was that?" Navi asked as she flew over to Saria.

"What?! Er, nothing! I don't know what you mean!" She said as she tried, to no avail, to push Navi out of view of the object sticking out of her pocket.

"Ooooohhhhhh!" Navi had that cat-face smile. "So THAT'S what you were doing in Link's house!"

"What's going on?" Link said as he walked up to Saria, who was sweating bullets. "And weren't you supposed to be in the Temple of Ti-UMPH!" Link "umphed" as Saria swiftly put her hand over his mouth. Mido getting an anger mark on his head.

"Listen!" She said with her finger over his mouth. (The "hush" sign.) "They don't know about me being a sage yet…so stay quiet!"

"Ah, OK." He said as he started to head over to his old house. Saria started to freak out a little at this.

"U-uh! Wh-where are you going Link?" She said as she got in front of him.

"Um, into my house?" He laughed as he moved her aside.

"But, uh…" She started waving her arms around. "Wouldn't you rather go see the shop or something?!"

"Why would I do that?" Link asked. "They always have the same worthless items over and over again." He said as he climbed up the ladder and went into his house. Saria ran in after him.

"Let's see…where did I put it?" Link said while looking around his one-room house.

"Wh-what are you looking for?" Saria squeaked.

"I had a spare hat around here somewhere…this one's pretty beat up." He said as he showed her his moth-eaten hat.

"O-oh…"

After a few minutes of looking, Link gave up.

"Huh. That's strange. I wonder where it is?" He scratched his head.

"Oh, that's a shame!" Saria suddenly said. "Guess you'd better get going now!" She said as she pushed him out the door.

After Link hit the ground, he brushed the dirt off of his pants.

"Crazy girl! What's her problem?!" Link said with an anger mark.

"I think I know…" Navi said with that famous :3 smile.

Saria watched as Link exited the forest. When he was safely out of ear and eye shot, she pulled out the object from her pocket. It was a green, pointy hat.

"Ahhh…" She said as she rubbed it against her cheek. "Link…"

"AH-HA!" Navi suddenly popped up. "I KNEW IT! You DID steal Link's clothes!" Navi smiled. "LINK!" She called out. "LI-"

**WHAK!**

Saria had used a deku stick to pin Navi to the wall.  
"If I were you, I wouldn't tell him what you saw…OK?" She said as she leaned in, her face getting darker.

"R-right…" Navi said as she broke free and flew away haphazardly. "That seemed…oddly familiar…"

**LATER…**

Link had finally gathered up all of the Magic Body Parts and was heading for Zelda's castle. Of course, it was now Ganondorf's castle.

"Why does he always try to take over Hyrule?" Link asked no-one in particular. "What's so great about Hyrule? Why can't he take over Canada?!"

"Who would want to take over Canada?" Navi told Link. "All it has is syrup and moose!"

**INSIDE…**

After fighting his way through many enemies, finding keys that all look alike, and doing battle with the obligatory Dark Nut, Link made his way to the BIG DOOR. DUH DUH DUUUUUH!

"OK! Now to use the key and open this door!" He said as he pulled a key ring off his waist. He stuck a key into the slot, turned it, and NOTHING HAPPENED.

"Darn it!" Link said as he fumbled through key after key. "Why do all these keys have to look the same?!"

After finding the correct key, he slowly opened the door. Once inside, he saw that Ganondorf was playing the organ, badly if I may add, and Zelda was in a cage next to him.

Ganondorf stopped playing and turned around to face Link.  
"So, Hero of Time, I see you've come at last-" He was cut off when he saw Link's face.

"EW! Ganondorf!" Link said. "I didn't know you were into that kinda' stuff!"

"What are you talking about?!" He said angrily. Link pointed to Zelda-in-a-cage. Ganondorf turned into stone.

"I-I'm not!"

"Uh-huh. So Zelda, I take it the rumor worked?" Link said as he pushed his way past Ganondorf and up to Zelda.

"Like a charm!" She said with a thumb up. "He even tried to rub cheese on me! Can you believe that?!"

"AH HA HA HA!" Link laughed. "What an idiot!"

As Link and Zelda were laughing, Ganondorf powered up his punch.

"Falcon…er, I mean…GANONDORF PUNCH!" He yelled as he sent Link flying.

Link landed in the courtyard, followed by Ganondorf, and the two started to fight.

After a while, it looked like Ganondorf had the upper hand.

"BWA HA HA!" He did his generic villain laugh. "This is the end!" He said as his blade hovered over Link's throat.

"Not quite!" Link said. He started to glow, and he suddenly threw Ganondorf back a few feet. Then, a large item appeared in his hands.

"?!" Ganondorf gasped. "H-how did you know?!"

Link just smiled.

**FLASHBACK…**

Link made his way to the Temple of Gamers (Also known as E3) and found the statue of the Ultimate Gamer. After putting in the three body parts (An eye, tooth, and spleen) the large stone book that it was holding burst, revealing a real book. The book had "The Legend of Zelda: The Zelda Weirdness" written on it.

Link and Navi read the book, (While ignoring the screaming fangirls) and saw Ganondorf's weakness.

**BACK TO PRESENT…**

Link had now obtained the ultimate way to defeat Ganondorf. He had found…a fishing rod?

See, in Twilight Princess, if you take the fishing rod out while fighting Ganon, he will just stand there, mesmerized by the juicy worm on the hook. This gives you the chance to kill him.

And that's exactly what Link did.

"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!" Ganondorf screamed as Link thrust the sword into his chest.

"Well, that's over." Link said as he pulled the sword out.

"No it isn't!" Navi said. "You know that he'll come out again sooner or later!"

"HOW?!" Link yelled. "We just stabbed him in his heart!" He said as he pointed at an empty patch of land.

"Ganondorf's gone!" Zelda said. She had just popped up out of nowhere.

"Where'd you come from?!" Navi asked.

"When you beat Ganondorf, his castle collapsed." She said as she pointed over to the remains of Ganondorf's castle. For some reason, her castle was completely intact.

"Why does his castle always fall down?" Link asked.

Navi and Zelda looked at each other.

"Who knows?"

**Who DOES know? That's basically the theme of this story. **

**Well guys, sorry I haven't done anything in a while, but I hope this makes up for it. Odds are, I forgot to put something in here, but I'm too lazy to go back and change anything. I pray that you enjoyed this! HOOPLAH!!**

**Oh, go to Nintendopapercraft (.com) and look up Pikmin King in the forums. That's me. PM me from there if you want. Don't PM me from here, because I rarely check my E-mail.**


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